I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
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If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Me sliding into hell like
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.