[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
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Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
respect
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Penguins walking in 5x speed