The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
You Might Also Like
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
bout dat hot dog summer
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
me adding lol on a serious message
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”