Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
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Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Sharon I have some bad news
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.