I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.