If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
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I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
this is the best day of my life
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
My work here is done
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.