Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
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son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds