Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Midwest trash talk
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Holy crap this is wonderful
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.