Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
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Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?