Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
You Might Also Like
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
So true for me
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
The Birdles
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..