Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
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“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.