Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
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To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Erm…
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Hey i am sexy to you now
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.