*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
You Might Also Like
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that