I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
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[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.