Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
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If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
i wish i could marry a nap
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot