Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
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Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.