I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
You Might Also Like
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
#Caturday
listen closely
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes