Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
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I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah