It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
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Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.