Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
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Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
all that yoga finally paid off
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.