Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
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[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Why is everyone getting married at me
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents