I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
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Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Time for evil
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Me checking my bank balance online.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
All set.