Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
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Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!