How dude HOW?!
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Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
I identify as an antique shop.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.