Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
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Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry