I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
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Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.