“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
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Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!