Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
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Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Feels like the fourth month in January
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America