Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
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Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Hello Twits.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Bros before Ohioes
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.