My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
You Might Also Like
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.