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If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples