I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
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Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called