[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
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Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.