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[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
23. the denim jacket
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”