[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
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spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.