“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
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SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Cake!!
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.