Love this guy
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I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??