Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
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People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I laughed at this way too hard.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,