Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
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what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..