“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
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the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.