Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
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Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
those birds must be on payroll
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!