Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
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5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.