I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
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Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.