One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
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*pronounces woah like Noah*
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.