“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
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*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.