Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
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Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
classic mixup
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.