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Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.