1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
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The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?