doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
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Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
how much for the angry fruit?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again