A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
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“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”